For a species that notoriously enjoys making excuses, science has long been the great justifier. Is the annoying brat that lives next door the spawn of Satan? Maybe he has Attention Deficit Disorder. Is your friend a lazy couch potato who prefers a Big Mac to a salad? Maybe she has a thyroid problem. Is your boss a homophobic, sexist, masochistic, egomaniacal, alcoholic, coke-snorting jerk? Maybe he just has a chemical imbalance.
Nothing excuses bad behavior and terrible decisions quite like the imprimatur of science and the official-looking men in white lab coats who sure sound like they know what they’re talking about. They wear glasses after all, and many of them carry clipboards.
And because, perhaps, since golf is such a white collar sport, it was only a matter of time before science found a way to justify the likes of the great Tiger Woods, whose bad behavior and terrible decisions landed him in the national spotlight about this time last year.
Okay, so maybe I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist. But can you come up with a better explanation for the latest study to emerge out of Ph.D.-ville proving that promiscuity is, in fact, genetic? Other than that someone over there is a huge fan of Tiger’s? Maybe the folks in the scientific community just really hated “Miss Congeniality.”
Whether it’s an attempt to stick up for Jesse James, Tiger, or any other famously promiscuous loser, a new study that finds there is such a thing as a “promiscuity gene” is at least certain to give Dr. Drew a whole new client roster of sex addicts who can, for the first time, legitimately claim it’s just in their blood to be utterly contemptible whores.
But locating the dopamine receptor gene DRD4 has staggering implications for we mere mortals as well. If some of us are genetically predetermined to have an affair with the secretary or sleep with the college football team’s entire offensive line, then just imagine the possibilities!
Online dating will happen both on the computer and in a doctor’s office, with attempts to pre-qualify candidates for income, bra size and the slutty gene.
Couples counseling sessions will begin not with the question, “Why do you think you cheated?” but “Should we just swab his cheek?”
The commitment-phobic man-child can weed out potential stage-five clingers by seeking out only their compatibly slutty counterparts, who are just looking for a good time.
And — the best news yet — parents can finally be held responsible for their professionally promiscuous offspring, who prefer a life of one-night stands to Saturdays at Home Depot and the Olive Garden with their favorite, increasingly annoying life partner.
Pre-nuptial agreements will have to factor in the DRD4 gene — how can you hold someone accountable for acting on their DNA?
Hollywood is no longer a heathenous den of iniquity the likes of which Caligula couldn’t even have dreamt up — it’s just a startling collection of genetic freaks who simply can’t help themselves.
Say goodbye to awkward press conferences where our favorite political heroes stand sullied next to their humiliated spouses to talk of Argentinean trysts and interns. All they’ll need to get a clean slate is a quickie DNA test.
Reality television casting directors won’t have to guess which characters will reliably sleep their way through the “Real World 48” house. They’ll have guarantees!
And pharmaceutical companies have a whole new market to mine — developing the over-the-counter cure-in-a-prescription-bottle for cheating. If you thought those Viagra commercials with Bob Dole were cringe-inducing, just imagine the one that will star Eliot Spitzer.
The mind marvels at all the wondrous implications of living in a world where being an unforgivable cad or a shameless slut can be scientifically explained. But one thing is for certain — someone’s going to make a fortune off of this. (Goodbye recession?!) That’s right…that thing you smell isn’t the rank odor of sex and regret anymore…it’s money, baby.
S.E. Cupp, is a political commentator and author of the book “Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity.” She is also co-author of “Why You’re Wrong About The Right.” S.E. writes a weekly column for NYDailyNews.com, has a regular feature at The Daily Caller and is a contributing editor at Townhall magazine. She lives in New York City.
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