This is a partial transcript from “Hannity & Colmes,” December 23, 2005, that has been edited for clarity.
ALAN COLMES, CO-HOST: In the spirit of the season, we wanted to give out some very special holiday gifts to some of our all-time favorite politicians. Here to help us determine who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, Newsweek contributing editor and FOX News contributor, Eleanor Clift. And the author “What Women Really Want,” Republican strategist Kellyann Conway. We welcome you both to “Hannity & Colmes.”
KELLYANN CONWAY, AUTHOR, “WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT”: Hi.
COLMES: Now, Eleanor, Kellyann, Rich and I, first, because I’m up first, I’ve come up with some lovely items for some of my favorite people and politicians.
LOWRY: He’s going to run out and go shopping for these right after the show.
COLMES: Let me start with George W. Bush, the president. I have for him warrants. This is something I think he could us. Maybe he doesn’t know how to use them. Maybe he doesn’t know where to use them. Maybe he doesn’t want to use them. But I think if he had a few of them, at least he could hand them out at the appropriate time, don’t you think?
CONWAY: Well, Alan, I would say he actually needs pardons like Bill Clinton…
COLMES: He gave a bunch of pardons out.
CONWAY: …but you don’t give them to people who are convicted criminals.
COLMES: He did give some pardons out yesterday, so — and also, I have a gift for Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby. And there it is, a cork. This will stop leaks. So that cork, I’ll get two of them.
LOWRY: Can we give it to the guy — to the guy who leaked the NSA story, too, Alan?
CONWAY: Yes, exactly.
COLMES: You know, if you want to set your priorities that way and not talk about actual lawbreaking, that’s fine.
And finally, I do have a gift for Tom DeLay, and here it is, an orange jump suit. And I think, you know, he ought to get used to — it’s a nice color for him, don’t you think? I think it goes well with his complexion. I think orange offsets the hair. It’s a very, very nice color.
CONWAY: Orange is the new black, yes.
COLMES: Orange is the new black. Thanks for helping me out there, Kellyann appreciate that. So those are my gifts, Kellyann, for some people this holiday season. I don’t know if you have any or not. But…
LOWRY: Let me jump in?
CONWAY: You’re always on my list, Alan.
LOWRY: I’m on — what do you have for me, anything?
CONWAY: You’re on my half naughty, half nice list.
No, I actually give the entire Democratic leadership the game of Clue, so at least they would have one. I would give Howard Dean anything that causes laryngitis so he won’t get himself into trouble.
COLMES: It happens from shouting, I think. Yes.
CONWAY: That’s right, exactly.
I would get Al Gore a job, since I think he’s yet to get one since he lost in 2000.
I would probably get Jeff Gannon, that’s someone we want to forget about in 2005. Jeff Gannon, a.k.a. Jeff Guckert…
COLMES: I’d get him a new name!
CONWAY: I’d get him — I beg him to wear more clothes. I’d buy him a little bit more in the wardrobe.
COLMES: I’m glad you’re going there and not me.
Eleanor…
ELEANOR CLIFT, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, well…
COLMES: … what do you say?
CLIFT: I would give Condoleezza Rice a bouquet of olive branches for the diplomatic tour she’ll be making next year to try to clean up the messes from the first Bush administration.
And I would give a set of the Nixon tapes to the president and vice president and interested members of Congress to remind everybody what it’s like when a president abuses his power.
COLMES: …And it could have 18 1/2 minutes missing.
CLIFT: And a lump of coal to all the members of Congress who voted for that budget that cuts school loans, student loans, Medicare, Medicaid, while they gave themselves a big fat pay raise this year and also cut taxes for the top one percent.
COLMES: How about a line item veto for those people who want to take a budget cutting bill or defense bill and put an ANWR or other stuff that has nothing whatsoever to do.
CONWAY: It’s impossible to wrap it, Alan. You can’t wrap it.
LOWRY: Eleanor, let me get in here. Let me start in the spirit of the season with a gift that I think maybe you can agree with, or at least maybe a little bit. We’ll see.
But for Howard Dean, I would like to give him a prescription for Prozac or Ritalin. I’m not sure exactly what the right drug is, but to give him something he can still be as liberal as he wants. He can still believe everything he believes but just to take a little bit of the edge off. What do you think, Eleanor?
CLIFT: Well, he’s a doctor and he would probably know how to self administer medicine.
LOWRY: He can self-medicate.
CLIFT: But you know, I actually think he’s doing a good job at the DNC. It’s just occasionally he could use a little “message” discipline. Maybe he could get lessons from the White House press secretary, who always knows how to say nothing.
LOWRY: Well, maybe the Prozac can help, too.
Kellyann, how about this. For John Kerry — now all of us who say anything in public could use this gift occasionally, but I think, especially for John Kerry, he needs this Christmas, a 10-second delay. He often just seems to say these things, not quite the right way, not the way he wants them to come out and it becomes a big mess.
We saw when he said American troops are “terrorizing” Iraqis. You know what he was sort of getting at and we shouldn’t be banging down doors and it would be better if Iraqis were doing it. But terrorizing not the right word to use.
And that infamous phrase that dogged him all last year during the campaign, when he said, “I voted for it before I voted against it.” If he had a 10-second delay, he could clean all this up and we’d never know about it.
CONWAY: Hey, Rich, also when he was here in Philadelphia on the campaign trail and went to Pat’s Steaks and ordered a cheesesteak with Swiss cheese. A 10-second delay would have gotten someone to nudge him and say, it’s either with Cheez Wiz or without. There is no Swiss cheese, John Kerry, or foie gras.
LOWRY: See, that’s a great example. Eleanor, we’re trying to help John Kerry here.
CLIFT: Yes, I think a 10-second delay. I can think of a whole lot of other people…
LOWRY: …that’s true.
CLIFT: … who could use that ahead of John Kerry. And John Kerry has such a soporific way of speaking that a 10-second delay would make him absolutely impossible as a politician. He’s close to that already.
LOWRY: Well, maybe he wouldn’t have to worry so much and he could loosen it up some.
CLIFT: I’d send him a — I’d send him a note from Santa and say, do yourself a favor, don’t run again.
LOWRY: OK. Whoa.
CONWAY: Wow.
LOWRY: Kellyann, one last one for Nancy Pelosi. I would give her a cross-country Amtrak ticket to ride all through these red states on this subsidized federal railroad service that always loses money, so it’s even more appropriate, and get her out of San Francisco and Washington, D.C., and familiarize herself with some of the red state and red state values and attitudes. What do you think of that?
CONWAY: I love that one, Rich. And of course, she votes to subsidize Amtrak so the ticket should be a free ride.
LOWRY: Perfect.
CONWAY: But do you mean to say for Nancy Pelosi there’s something between the Beltway and Marin County? I think there’s just a bunch of cow pasture. Not interested.
LOWRY: Eleanor, are we being — are we being unfair to Nancy Pelosi?
CLIFT: Well, I don’t think she’s out of touch with the values of the country. And I think you ought to get some of those politicians in Washington aligned with the Republican Party who are about to be embroiled in a major scandal…
COLMES: We’re going to take a break. Eleanor, didn’t you…
CLIFT: … they’re more out of touch than Nancy Pelosi.
COLMES: … vote for John Kerry?
CONWAY: Oh, ho, ho, ho, Eleanor. It’s Christmas! Smile…
COLMES: Eleanor, you voted for John Kerry, right?
CLIFT: I supported John Kerry, but I don’t think that he’s the best candidate for the Democrats.
COLMES: He was the best candidate for president.
CONWAY: I actually voted for John Kerry before I voted against him.
COLMES: That’s hilarious.
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